Dealing with Norms

It's not uncommon to hear phrases containing the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and just do it" mentality. The motivational "you can do whatever you set your mind to" also comes to mind. These aren't inherently bad phrases. They call out complacency and remind you that not everything is going to just fall into your lap. But, as most quick phrases go, they aren't one-size-fits-all and tend to downplay just how extraordinary such an act actually is. There's a reason why the reluctance exists in the first place, and telling someone "get up and do it" isn't necessarily going to do the trick.

While a lot plays into why we can find it hard to do or be what we'd like, I want to hone in on one: norms. Frequently talked about within public health circles, I couldn't help but share it here. Now, I'm not going to take on the whole "our society is awful" approach. That isn't very tangible, and I don't know about you, but it tends to leave me disgruntled. Rather, I want to talk about community norms, whether that's the place you live, the people you spend most of your time around, your work, or some other group you are a part of. All of these settings have their norms - various expectations, voiced or unvoiced, and behaviors that are shared.

Now, imagine with me that you are an individual who comes from a family of smokers. You live in a lower income part of a city where cigarette ads are large and easily seen wherever you might go to buy food or run other errands. At your job, it's common for you and your coworkers to take smoking breaks, and that's really the only acceptable way to take a break. Let's say that, maybe, 3/4 of your friends smoke, but there isn't much mixing between those who do and those who don't. Imagine trying to quit smoking under these circumstances.

You might know what it's doing to your health and that it's costing you more money to keep up the habit than to kick it, but you'll be battling more than just nicotine withdrawal. It might be difficult to be around family and friends because they will, inevitably be smoking around you and might forget that you're trying to quit the habit and offer you a cigarette. As you run your errands, you are bombarded with signs that might say the prices on your brand have gone down, which gives you a dopamine kick that would usually accompany such a discovery. You can't take the breaks you've become accustomed to and might feel more disconnected from your coworkers because you no longer take that time together. You aren't simply choosing to no longer put a cigarette to your lips and light it. You are choosing to rearrange many aspects of your life that have become the norm for you and are choosing to no longer participate in what is the norm in your various communities. I'm sure that can be incredibly hard.

So, now that I've laid out an example to ensure we're thinking along similar lines, I'm going to go less hypothetical. There are often times where I see something I desire and think I can get there if I just muscle my way through it. While I kind of take into account my environment by rearranging things in my room or trying to adjust my routine, that's often not enough. When I ignore how various norms around me impact whatever I'm trying to change, I'm ignoring what's working against me. It's like expecting to learn how to become a great French chef by working at a high quality Mexican restaurant. It's possible to get some of the skills or changes you're hoping to achieve, but you probably aren't going to master them. Your goals aren't quite aligned so aren't in a space where you will practice everything that you'd need to.

Also, unless my goal requires me to more fully conform to some sort of norm in a group I'm already a part of, my chances of success are slim. Working with a norm my peers embrace, I have a built-in accountability system, the bar is set for me, and I have examples to learn from. Without these things, it truly is an uphill battle, even if my communities' norms don't actively oppose mine. When they do actively work against me, the struggle of what getting where I'm hoping to be is more acute and more apparent. Not only that, but it would be perfectly acceptable in those circles to completely give up the pursuit.

I'm not saying to ditch friends or a job that aren't working toward improving in the same ways you are (unless they're trying to sabotage a truly good change you're pursuing). I'm saying to be aware of how your communities might help or hinder you, or someone else you know, from making progress. Use this knowledge to have patience with yourself and have mercy on yourself when it gets really hard to make the journey and to make those difficult decisions about your communities if need be. But don't let it become an excuse to give up. Instead, count the struggle as another reason why the victory will be so great. Similarly, grant that mercy and patience for others. Support them where you can and don't downplay the milestones when they reach them. We need each other to lean on and help us become who we hope to be. While we might be able to eventually get there on our own, it's more likely that we need others to help us get there because of what we're up against.