The Journey to Loving Myself

One of the things I think about fairly often is how many people are struggling with feeling lost to themselves.  Who feel like they need to find themselves.  Who wonder what it is like to love themselves.  I think about this because I only briefly experienced it myself, and I want people to be free of these feelings.

I think about how there's a departure at some point.  As kids, we don't ask these questions.  The idea of not knowing who you are feels absurd because you just are.  But then other thoughts creep in, whether they're from classmates, teachers, family members, friends.  We develop insecurities and lose ourselves.  Some earlier than others.  I met this battle head on my first year of high school when I felt a growing distance between my core friend group and myself.  Thankfully, a year later I was able to work through it and return to loving my authentic self.  Insecurities still exist, but I don't give them the power to completely take over my view of myself.

Before We Go Down the Rabbit Hole

One day a year ago or so, I was thinking about something a close friend of mine had said.  She asked what it was like to love yourself.  I don't remember how I had responded in the moment.  But looking back on it, I wanted to write everything behind what I had felt in that instant.  So I've included that here.  


Past Thoughts on Self Love

It pains my heart when I hear you ask what it feels like to love yourself.  Because I know that’s not what you want to know.  What you want to know is how I got there.  You want to see the hope that it is possible.  You want it for yourself, but don’t believe it will happen.  It is a question of melancholic desperation.  A cry without tears.

It breaks my heart because I don’t fully comprehend myself how I learned.  Because it was by the power of Christ that I love myself.  It was my recognition that I would never be hated as much as He was for being true to who I am.  That I was searching for labels that didn’t match who God made me to be.  That, somehow, I was blind to who I was while others saw the outline clearly.  Acceptance of the truth of who I am because I will never suffer for it as much as Jesus did upon the cross.  Somehow, from all of this, I emerged able to love myself.

It was a learning process, but more learning who I am than how to accept who I am.  A period of discovery instead of one forcing myself into various boxes to see how I fit.  More of a knocking on doors instead.  God opening some, allowing me to take a look around and determine whether the room should be furnished or left as is.  God was there every step of the way.

It was when I stopped trying to create myself that I learned to love myself.  When I stopped striving to meet others’ expectations.  Allowed myself to be surprised at what they saw in me – what was always there just below the surface.  I began to learn I was a treasure as people pointed out parts of me I never considered as being relatively unique to my personality.  I started to see the beauty God gave me.  He retaught me to prize being out of step of the mainstream while remaining relatable.  Somehow entering into friendships with people whose love I knew I didn’t deserve.  But I accepted the gift, cherished it, and became determined to give like them.

I guess you could say I learned to love myself because God surrounded me with people who affirmed me and didn’t subscribe to competitive culture.  People who loved through their open wounds.  It was the ability to touch these wounds and let mine also be touched that I learned to love myself.  When people see the ugly brokenness in you and still authentically love you – and you know it and receive it – that is when the process begins. If people whose thoughts you cannot control can love you while seeing your damaged soul, what is your reason for not loving yourself?  God’s love is more perfect than any of ours.  If the one who created you, and saw you fall away from his plan again and again, loves you even more than what you have already encountered, what is holding you back?

You are loved.  You are worthy.  You are beautiful.  Whether you believe it or not, the truth still stands.  It is when you try to accept this that you will begin to understand it.  When you open yourself to the possibility, you open yourself to the discovery of the amazing mystery that is yourself.  To learning why you are truly a treasure.  You were not an afterthought.  You are not a mistake.  God does not make mistakes.  You cannot mess up God’s plans – you aren’t that powerful.  Your life is not a mistake.  You might have messed up along the way, but God knows how to fix it. All you have to do is let him.  Let Him love you.  Let yourself see who you are through The Creator’s eyes.

"He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy. When not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes — he is the one who always accepts you.  My children, you don't have to be different for Jesus to love you.  Only believe — you are precious to him.  Bring all you are suffering to his feet — only open your heart to be loved by him as you are.  He will do the rest." 
~ St. Teresa of Calcutta

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